First of all, thinking that one person can fulfill all of your desires is just plain crazy! That's right- crazy! So if that is what you think being in a committed relationship or taking it to the altar is about this could be good news for you.
Men and women have so many needs and wants and desires that one person can never be all that their lover hopes and dreams for on every level. That is why continuing to have your own interests, buddies, girlfriends,, clubs, activities and occupational endeavors should remain in tact if you wish to have a truly healthy love relationship that lasts a lifetime.
Does being in a committed relationship mean that you cannot ever look at another person? Certainly not! Admiring what I call beautiful "artwork" is healthy, just make it discreet. One can admire an extraordinarily good looking guy passing by, or a voluptuous lady purely for the aesthetic pleasure. If I took you to an art museum you would be looking at all types of artwork by hundreds of artists; some of the artwork would be pleasurable and others you might not give a second look. However, viewing the world around you is healthy, and not just because there will always be gorgeous people as part of the living panorama. Life itself is beautiful so admiring what thrills you even for a moment is okay. It doesn't mean that you want to take the person home with you, but what it will do is teach you what you are drawn to.
If you find that you might emotionally cross the line then you are definitely not ready for a committed relationship. You should be able to say to yourself....aah, yes, that is a great looking lady or man, but I love my partner and he or she thrills me in many ways, not just aesthetically. You should not be out looking for someone that you think is better looking than your sweetheart because the reality is....there may always be someone more handsome or more beautiful than your lover or yourself. But, you have found a connection with the person you love, not just because there was a physical attraction, but because there was something deeper; perhaps a craving from the soul level. It is this type of love attraction that makes for a great lifetime love. Looks generally fade with age and what is left is the essence of the spirit that will forever shine.
Why are some people able to make love commitments and others can not? Maturity has something to do with it. Those individuals that are still on a conquest are not ready. Men generally more than women feel very proud to say that they have slept with dozens of women. After all the Romeo mentality still exists and men who are capable of seducing women feel as though they are competing with other males for top position. Women may sleep around when they are in need of establishing a better image of themselves. If men what to have sex with you - that probably means you are attractive - or at least it makes you feel more desirable. So both sexes play these dating games - and through the years the parameters for sexual exploration has definitely changed.
The free love in the sixties brought about a whole new set of rules, or lack of boundaries I might say. Who decided that having sex with as many people as possible was a good thing, and what were they trying to accomplish? The free love, draft card burning, bra burning, Beatles, Vietnam War, of the Sixties changed life for everyone. I estimate that 1960-1969 was more than a decade - it was a state of mind.
As I look back purely as a psychologist in an attempt to analyze what transpired I can see that it must have been an exciting time of great turbulent social and technological change and revolution: assassination, unforgettable fashion, new musical styles, civil rights, women's liberation, a controversial and divisive war in Vietnam, the first man landing on the moon, peace marches, World's Fairs, flower power, great TV & film, and sexual freedom. The people of the sixties rejected traditional family values in order to have other arrangements based on love. Their concept of love was not tied to the love of just one man and one woman but to love for all people. "Sharing love" became natural for many during that time period. Perhaps it was this new "love" ideal that created the thought that loving just one person for a lifetime was inadequate? The Baby Boomers tend to be more open and approving of their children having many or at least several sexual relationships, or living with a mate before marriage, and thus their grandchildren have been similarly affected. Do you think that we have gone from one extreme - let's say the Donna Reed perfect family idea in the 50s to an extreme of free love in an attempt to correct what society viewed as a restrictive defect in the sixties?
My thoughts now return to why some individuals may not be able to make a commitment to just one person. It is possible that the core upbringing of certain generations lends itself to this emotional and mental turbulence. Is it good enough to love just one person for the rest of your life? I happen to think so! Committing to share a life with just one person can actually make you more able to help others in your community or across the world. Just like placing the final piece to a puzzle you've been working on for days...would you continue looking for another piece when the puzzle is now complete?
True love does move out beyond the constraints of a home and will deepen and broaden the reach of loving acts for all people, and for life all over this planet. It appears that even some of Hollywood's greatest lovers are reaching into countries near and far and sharing their passion for peace. Brad and Angelina and George Clooney, Oprah Winfrey and others continually move loving acts beyond the boundaries of their lives, sharing the love that they are.
Are you capable of loving someone so deeply that you would be honored to spend the rest of your life with them? It is truly an honor and a blessing when a lover feels so completely fulfilled with and secure in a relationship that they are able to go out and be the very best possible person. Having true love is one of life's greatest gifts. Imagine that every day you held in your hands the power to create goodness for yourself, those you love and for others in need. When two hearts are filled with extraordinary passion and desire to live life to the fullest only great things can happen. Imagine allowing yourself to have an exquisite love experience that can last a lifetime. Think about what that might mean to you.
If you are still asking yourself if the person you say you love is right for you - you are not ready for a commitment. If you wonder if you will be able to be faithful to your lover - you are not ready for a commitment. If you fantasize about how you will cheat on your lover - you are not ready for a commitment? If you are living with a lover just for the convenience or sexual pleasure - you are not ready for a commitment. If you sense that your lover needs more from the relationship than you are willing to give - you are not ready for a commitment. Do you worry about your family or friends not accepting your partner - you may not be ready for a commitment.
If you think that your partner is lacking a major and important trait that would upset you forever - run! If you only think about having sex with your partner - you are not ready to commit. If you constantly look for reasons why the relationship won't work- you are not ready to move into something more permanent. If you wish to change things about your partner that are truly unchangeable - you don't have much of a love relationship so consider evaluating why you have stayed together this long. If you hate your partner's family, do not agree on whether or not you would want to have children, or live in a certain place - take your time and talk to your partner about these concerns. Do not commit until you no longer have to ask yourself if you should.
If you find yourself thinking of your lover more times a day than you can count - you could be ready for a commitment. If you feel that the love you have for your partner is growing deeper all the time - you could be ready for a commitment. If you continue to be amazed at the depth of your partner and find newness in your relationship on various levels---this could be the one. If you no longer care if your family or friends will accept your partner - you could be ready for a commitment. If you would consider moving to another state if your partner got transferred for a better job - you could be ready for a commitment. If you are fearful of the thought that your partner may not wait too much longer - it's time to consider having a talk about commitment. If you haven't yet moved in together but you often think about it - it's time to have the talk.
If you feel a renewed joy about life - it's time to think about commitment. If you find that your entire being craves your lover on every level and you nearly can't get enough of he or she - it's time to think about commitment. If you find that you can totally be yourself without the need to try to impress your lover - it might be time to have a serious love talk. Has your lover helped you mature into a better person somehow? Perhaps this love is worth keeping. Do you somehow find inner strength when you are in your lover's arms? Do you feel that all of your troubles seem to disappear when your lover holds you? This could be the one. Does your lover make you feel better about yourself than you have in the longest while or perhaps ever? A keeper - perhaps.
There is no perfect love and there are no perfect relationships. What we can hope for are more moments that thrill us and less that upset us when we are in love. Challenges will always be there to help us grow. But having just that right lover, someone who gives you space, someone who supports your efforts, someone who truly adores you, all of you - even those quirky things about you - can make life so much better so much richer and so much more worth living. Don't be afraid to take a chance on love. Sure love can hurt - but not loving can hurt more. Waking up next to an extraordinary person each day can send us off into the world with enthusiasm and courage and abilities we never even knew we possessed. Life can become more fulfilling when you share love with one special someone on a permanent basis.
So - if you can make a commitment to allow yourself to love and be loved completely and unconditionally first - you are on the way to being able to commit your love on a forever basis.
Remember this - those of you who are frightened about the word marriage; marriage begins not when you say I do in front of all of your guests - but when your heart has said "I do" long before that time. Marriage happens between two hearts and two spirits with or without the documentation. Are you married already in your heart and in your mind? If so - make a love commitment, life can be so much more fun when you open your heart!
Wishing you happy relationships and the courage needed to take the next step...only you know if that means stepping into your lover's arms or away from them. Either way, honesty is most important. May you find and commit to keeping the most incredible love relationship!
Men and women have so many needs and wants and desires that one person can never be all that their lover hopes and dreams for on every level. That is why continuing to have your own interests, buddies, girlfriends,, clubs, activities and occupational endeavors should remain in tact if you wish to have a truly healthy love relationship that lasts a lifetime.
Does being in a committed relationship mean that you cannot ever look at another person? Certainly not! Admiring what I call beautiful "artwork" is healthy, just make it discreet. One can admire an extraordinarily good looking guy passing by, or a voluptuous lady purely for the aesthetic pleasure. If I took you to an art museum you would be looking at all types of artwork by hundreds of artists; some of the artwork would be pleasurable and others you might not give a second look. However, viewing the world around you is healthy, and not just because there will always be gorgeous people as part of the living panorama. Life itself is beautiful so admiring what thrills you even for a moment is okay. It doesn't mean that you want to take the person home with you, but what it will do is teach you what you are drawn to.
If you find that you might emotionally cross the line then you are definitely not ready for a committed relationship. You should be able to say to yourself....aah, yes, that is a great looking lady or man, but I love my partner and he or she thrills me in many ways, not just aesthetically. You should not be out looking for someone that you think is better looking than your sweetheart because the reality is....there may always be someone more handsome or more beautiful than your lover or yourself. But, you have found a connection with the person you love, not just because there was a physical attraction, but because there was something deeper; perhaps a craving from the soul level. It is this type of love attraction that makes for a great lifetime love. Looks generally fade with age and what is left is the essence of the spirit that will forever shine.
Why are some people able to make love commitments and others can not? Maturity has something to do with it. Those individuals that are still on a conquest are not ready. Men generally more than women feel very proud to say that they have slept with dozens of women. After all the Romeo mentality still exists and men who are capable of seducing women feel as though they are competing with other males for top position. Women may sleep around when they are in need of establishing a better image of themselves. If men what to have sex with you - that probably means you are attractive - or at least it makes you feel more desirable. So both sexes play these dating games - and through the years the parameters for sexual exploration has definitely changed.
The free love in the sixties brought about a whole new set of rules, or lack of boundaries I might say. Who decided that having sex with as many people as possible was a good thing, and what were they trying to accomplish? The free love, draft card burning, bra burning, Beatles, Vietnam War, of the Sixties changed life for everyone. I estimate that 1960-1969 was more than a decade - it was a state of mind.
As I look back purely as a psychologist in an attempt to analyze what transpired I can see that it must have been an exciting time of great turbulent social and technological change and revolution: assassination, unforgettable fashion, new musical styles, civil rights, women's liberation, a controversial and divisive war in Vietnam, the first man landing on the moon, peace marches, World's Fairs, flower power, great TV & film, and sexual freedom. The people of the sixties rejected traditional family values in order to have other arrangements based on love. Their concept of love was not tied to the love of just one man and one woman but to love for all people. "Sharing love" became natural for many during that time period. Perhaps it was this new "love" ideal that created the thought that loving just one person for a lifetime was inadequate? The Baby Boomers tend to be more open and approving of their children having many or at least several sexual relationships, or living with a mate before marriage, and thus their grandchildren have been similarly affected. Do you think that we have gone from one extreme - let's say the Donna Reed perfect family idea in the 50s to an extreme of free love in an attempt to correct what society viewed as a restrictive defect in the sixties?
My thoughts now return to why some individuals may not be able to make a commitment to just one person. It is possible that the core upbringing of certain generations lends itself to this emotional and mental turbulence. Is it good enough to love just one person for the rest of your life? I happen to think so! Committing to share a life with just one person can actually make you more able to help others in your community or across the world. Just like placing the final piece to a puzzle you've been working on for days...would you continue looking for another piece when the puzzle is now complete?
True love does move out beyond the constraints of a home and will deepen and broaden the reach of loving acts for all people, and for life all over this planet. It appears that even some of Hollywood's greatest lovers are reaching into countries near and far and sharing their passion for peace. Brad and Angelina and George Clooney, Oprah Winfrey and others continually move loving acts beyond the boundaries of their lives, sharing the love that they are.
Are you capable of loving someone so deeply that you would be honored to spend the rest of your life with them? It is truly an honor and a blessing when a lover feels so completely fulfilled with and secure in a relationship that they are able to go out and be the very best possible person. Having true love is one of life's greatest gifts. Imagine that every day you held in your hands the power to create goodness for yourself, those you love and for others in need. When two hearts are filled with extraordinary passion and desire to live life to the fullest only great things can happen. Imagine allowing yourself to have an exquisite love experience that can last a lifetime. Think about what that might mean to you.
If you are still asking yourself if the person you say you love is right for you - you are not ready for a commitment. If you wonder if you will be able to be faithful to your lover - you are not ready for a commitment. If you fantasize about how you will cheat on your lover - you are not ready for a commitment? If you are living with a lover just for the convenience or sexual pleasure - you are not ready for a commitment. If you sense that your lover needs more from the relationship than you are willing to give - you are not ready for a commitment. Do you worry about your family or friends not accepting your partner - you may not be ready for a commitment.
If you think that your partner is lacking a major and important trait that would upset you forever - run! If you only think about having sex with your partner - you are not ready to commit. If you constantly look for reasons why the relationship won't work- you are not ready to move into something more permanent. If you wish to change things about your partner that are truly unchangeable - you don't have much of a love relationship so consider evaluating why you have stayed together this long. If you hate your partner's family, do not agree on whether or not you would want to have children, or live in a certain place - take your time and talk to your partner about these concerns. Do not commit until you no longer have to ask yourself if you should.
If you find yourself thinking of your lover more times a day than you can count - you could be ready for a commitment. If you feel that the love you have for your partner is growing deeper all the time - you could be ready for a commitment. If you continue to be amazed at the depth of your partner and find newness in your relationship on various levels---this could be the one. If you no longer care if your family or friends will accept your partner - you could be ready for a commitment. If you would consider moving to another state if your partner got transferred for a better job - you could be ready for a commitment. If you are fearful of the thought that your partner may not wait too much longer - it's time to consider having a talk about commitment. If you haven't yet moved in together but you often think about it - it's time to have the talk.
If you feel a renewed joy about life - it's time to think about commitment. If you find that your entire being craves your lover on every level and you nearly can't get enough of he or she - it's time to think about commitment. If you find that you can totally be yourself without the need to try to impress your lover - it might be time to have a serious love talk. Has your lover helped you mature into a better person somehow? Perhaps this love is worth keeping. Do you somehow find inner strength when you are in your lover's arms? Do you feel that all of your troubles seem to disappear when your lover holds you? This could be the one. Does your lover make you feel better about yourself than you have in the longest while or perhaps ever? A keeper - perhaps.
There is no perfect love and there are no perfect relationships. What we can hope for are more moments that thrill us and less that upset us when we are in love. Challenges will always be there to help us grow. But having just that right lover, someone who gives you space, someone who supports your efforts, someone who truly adores you, all of you - even those quirky things about you - can make life so much better so much richer and so much more worth living. Don't be afraid to take a chance on love. Sure love can hurt - but not loving can hurt more. Waking up next to an extraordinary person each day can send us off into the world with enthusiasm and courage and abilities we never even knew we possessed. Life can become more fulfilling when you share love with one special someone on a permanent basis.
So - if you can make a commitment to allow yourself to love and be loved completely and unconditionally first - you are on the way to being able to commit your love on a forever basis.
Remember this - those of you who are frightened about the word marriage; marriage begins not when you say I do in front of all of your guests - but when your heart has said "I do" long before that time. Marriage happens between two hearts and two spirits with or without the documentation. Are you married already in your heart and in your mind? If so - make a love commitment, life can be so much more fun when you open your heart!
Wishing you happy relationships and the courage needed to take the next step...only you know if that means stepping into your lover's arms or away from them. Either way, honesty is most important. May you find and commit to keeping the most incredible love relationship!
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